A LITTLE REFLECTING

Three steps forward, three steps back…three steps forward, ten steps back… This seems to be the ongoing process of my progress in work, projects, relationships…life! A lot can happen in a year…

Work: I have a great job, with amazing people. I get to work on a variety of brand’s social media pages, figure out what the fans want and really understand the ‘marketing world’. Although my job is not dealing directly with clients, I have to interpret what the client wants and blend that with the information I have gathered from interacting with their fan base. So I guess you could say my job is pretty important.

I have always taken everything I do very seriously and in this I tend to take a very long time curating content, which I find seems to throw off my time management – which has already been thrown off with taking leave and being handed, what I consider to be, a rather large brand to take care of. I want to do nothing but please my superiors and produce only my best work. This is where I tend to fall short, I consider what I am already not doing enough and so push harder and start to really dive deeper and deeper! In truth I am doing a good job, I know this as my superiors have said so, and fans don’t need to have a full analysis of a post – they just want to see what they want to see, finer details are not always needed.

So in the evenings I have been slowly trying to get back on track and re-approach how I execute each of my daily tasks. Organisation has not been on my side as I have allowed my ‘outside of work’ insecurities cloud my mind. Projects: I have been working on projects on and off for several years now. One of them is in fact something I am very passionate about, I would like it to become something big. At the beginning of the year I allowed myself to feel threatened by a friend who I had a hick-up with, over something silly combined with a lack of understanding on my part – but which I had felt really strong about. I also feared that there was a need for them to distance themselves from me…but more of that a little later. This project that means so much to me has never quite taken off, although I have had stores waiting  for the past two years and a constant  interest by others …nothing happens.

I am embarrassed by my continuous inability to produce stock which I have been promising for so long, and worried that someone else who actually has the skills and time will end up doing what I have been working on for so many years. I knew that my lack of motivation and exhaustion at the end of the day was the reason that nothing was going to come of this. After all ‘no one idea is unique’!

This year has been a struggle of finding someone to assist in the production of my creatures and other bits, only to have them fall through. My lack of confidence, losing friendships (and in turn support and encouragement) and lack of assistance in production left me in despair. Months have past when in strode ‘My Lion’, a contact in hand, a possible solution to my desperate desire to get things going!

I have gathered my sketches, fabrics and those creations I have prototypes for and off they have gone to be measured and recreated! I am now terribly excited and am holding thumbs that this is the start of production and not just another ‘fall through’. Relationships:
I have a nasty habit of pushing things beyond good, happy and progressive. I get to a certain point and then out of fear of it disappearing I over compensate, suffocate and smother those around me. I love people, I love being around people, especially the ones I have ‘chosen’ to be my family. They are smart, beautiful, creative and are lovely souls. I have admired one friend in particular, we have been friends for several years. She is intelligent, kind, honest and has a flair for style I only dream of. I have looked up to her and wanted so much to have her, what I interpret to be a  carefree approach to life. she has often laughed softly and reassured me that she is not as perfect as I make her out to be, and I know that she isn’t perfect, but it was those things that drew me to her. The imperfections, quirks and the all the previous mentioned qualities.

Now I have come to realise, over time and many conversations where she has been nothing but a good friend. Listened to my continuous circles and silly insecurities, given advice to the best of her ability and always, always reassured me that I am a good person. But I feel I have failed here, you see I WASN’T listening, listening to the strain I was putting on our relationship, the pressure that every one of my moans and insecurities was putting on her.

I was drowning my best friend, by not listening, by thinking it was okay to continuously talk about my woes. I know now that this is not okay. That she was willingly, but then knew she could no longer, absorb my negative energy! She was right to step away. I do not hold it against her. I understand why now. And I miss her, I miss her very much.

But it is all up to me now. to figure things out, to discover the core of who I am. This ‘journey’ starts with me stepping away from someone I love dearly, not forever, but for the time being. So we can both discover happiness in ourselves so that others will find happiness when around us.

Life:
I am positive that things will settle and then pick up. I have learned that everyone heels in their own time and not to feel desperate when their process is taking longer than mine. And perhaps this has taught me that I don’t take enough time to ensure all is well with me. My distress and worry has caused hurt to those around me, I want to change this. I want to be a better friend, a better partner. I want to create, grow and above all I want to know, within myself, that I matter. Eliminate the unnecessary!

A FLOOD OF THOUGHTS ABOUT…ME

I like aspirational quotes, I often want to share my every thought and desire with everyone I come across, I want to give, I need to create, I often say things that make no sense what-so-ever but it makes people laugh and I like that. I talk a lot, I talk a lot often leaving out crucial punctuations which leaves me out of breath at times, but I keep talking, because I have this need to constantly communicate. To share, to listen.

I will be on my own contemplating what to do, then I have to put it through many filters; Is that me, how would others respond to it, how would my friends respond, how would my family respond…should I do it, why am I doing it, does it cost money, do I have the time, what if no one cares…

I have been in conflict with myself for many years and have had my friends there to help ease the battle inside my head, but it is no longer their place. I have pushed those close to me away and no shade of brightly coloured hair, amount of tattoos or piercings will be enough, antidotes don’t last very long before the next episode of massive overthinking attacks again.

I have a big heart, and I care about everything and everyone. I have become very aware of energy others give off, how they speak, the words they use and what they say to know something is up. I read into situations and overanalyse ever situation. Moments are not just moments, they are well constructed events which require planning and detail…this is how I have become to live.

I crave spontaneity, eccentricity and a feeling of being light and free. Free from myself and the mess I leave behind with my constant controlling and planning. I wish to embrace everything and everyone as I once did, to always smile and laugh at the beauty and complexity in life.

I like the colour purple, I own many dresses ’cause pants are too short, I can never decided how I want my hair to look. I like high heels but rarely (pretty much never) wear them, I want to take the time and really enjoy doing my makeup everyday like I used to. I don’t have a particular look (but I seem to wear a uniform of leggings a top and boots whenever I go out), I often don’t feel like I fit in; that my interests are juvenile, my ideas are unachievable, my expectations are far too high and that everything I want to say seems stupid.

I like art, I fall in love with poetry and characters in books. I enjoy horror movies, the thrill of doing something I shouldn’t. I love the outdoors, the country, animals and adventure. I dream, I collect and I document. I am a picture taker, moment keeper, yet I find that I can’t recall somethings. Those close to me remember the smallest details in something I mentioned years ago, and I can’t remember their favourite colour. I want to be a better friend, I want to really listen, I want to be there no matter what…but not too much.

I want to inspire and bring joy to others lives, I want to matter.