A FLOOD OF THOUGHTS ABOUT…ME

I like aspirational quotes, I often want to share my every thought and desire with everyone I come across, I want to give, I need to create, I often say things that make no sense what-so-ever but it makes people laugh and I like that. I talk a lot, I talk a lot often leaving out crucial punctuations which leaves me out of breath at times, but I keep talking, because I have this need to constantly communicate. To share, to listen.

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I will be on my own contemplating what to do, then I have to put it through many filters; Is that me, how would others respond to it, how would my friends respond, how would my family respond…should I do it, why am I doing it, does it cost money, do I have the time, what if no one cares…

I have been in conflict with myself for many years and have had my friends there to help ease the battle inside my head, but it is no longer their place. I have pushed those close to me away and no shade of brightly coloured hair, amount of tattoos or piercings will be enough, antidotes don’t last very long before the next episode of massive overthinking attacks again.

I have a big heart, and I care about everything and everyone. I have become very aware of energy others give off, how they speak, the words they use and what they say to know something is up. I read into situations and overanalyse ever situation. Moments are not just moments, they are well constructed events which require planning and detail…this is how I have become to live.

I crave spontaneity, eccentricity and a feeling of being light and free. Free from myself and the mess I leave behind with my constant controlling and planning. I wish to embrace everything and everyone as I once did, to always smile and laugh at the beauty and complexity in life.

I like the colour purple, I own many dresses ’cause pants are too short, I can never decided how I want my hair to look. I like high heels but rarely (pretty much never) wear them, I want to take the time and really enjoy doing my makeup everyday like I used to. I don’t have a particular look (but I seem to wear a uniform of leggings a top and boots whenever I go out), I often don’t feel like I fit in; that my interests are juvenile, my ideas are unachievable, my expectations are far too high and that everything I want to say seems stupid.

I like art, I fall in love with poetry and characters in books. I enjoy horror movies, the thrill of doing something I shouldn’t. I love the outdoors, the country, animals and adventure. I dream, I collect and I document. I am a picture taker, moment keeper, yet I find that I can’t recall somethings. Those close to me remember the smallest details in something I mentioned years ago, and I can’t remember their favourite colour. I want to be a better friend, I want to really listen, I want to be there no matter what…but not too much.

...more than you are afraid of it...I want to inspire and bring joy to others lives, I want to matter.

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