I think, I think a lot! And this means being on my own so much is not always the best thing. Simple tasks become a monstrous battle of logic and emotion. And this is why I started these posts, ‘On My Mind…’, I figured it was time to get everything out on paper. But that didn’t work as I would just keep re-writing the same line over and over again making sure it was neat enough, several journals, and many pages torn out, later and I took the next step to putting it online.
I type as I think which makes it easier to get all my thoughts down before they escape me. I want these entries to be straight from my mind. So they are disjointed, erratic and the grammar is not always the best, but do thoughts worry about grammar, past and present tense. I know mine don’t.
I find a part of me constantly trapped in the past. I wonder how things got so bad so quickly, how I had everything and then managed to almost have nothing so quickly. So I dwell on what was and what might or had happened, I go over it once, twice, ten, thirty times and still nothing quite makes sense. I hear you have to start at the leaves and then work your way down the twigs, to the branches, joining in with the trunk before heading to the roots.
My problems are not dyer, I have not lost a loved one although loosing friendships and people close to you feel just as I imagine loosing a loved one would feel. I start to look around me and climb out of my world which has become so small and I see so much colour, I hear music and fall in love with things all over again. It reminds me that I care, I care a lot, I love people I love all the living creatures on this planet. I feel a real need to reconnect to these emotions, I lost my way and together lost what these things mean, I tainted things – I over-planned, over-thank and under appreciated people, life and the like. I allowed my constant hanging onto the past to ruin the amazing things that were happening right in front of me.
I am having trouble getting used to the fact that things will never be the same again and in the same breathe I am hoping things get better and brighter for those that are dear to me. Sometimes when we lose our way we panic, when all we had to do was stop, breathe and slowly find our way back. So here I go…
I like movies, I love books but I don’t make enough time to read. I like to learn, I like to explore and discover. I love moths and butterflies, I love orchids although I am not doing a great job with keeping them all alive – I over-care for them, worry over them and get finicky. I like the rain, the wet ground under my feet, leaping into a large body of water, lying on my back and staring at the sky. I long for starry nights and longer days. I am learning to be comfortable with my 6ft3inch self, I am fighting for my dreams, I encourage others to do the same. I look at the beauty in everything and find the best in everyone.
I am on a journey, to discover my core.